Archive for Funny Stuff!
Silent Fart In Church – joke!
Posted by: | CommentsAn elderly couple is attending Sunday Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ’Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’
Spinning Woman – But Which Way!?
Posted by: | CommentsA friend emailed me this – Spinning Woman Optical Illusion
This is a great optical illusion. When you first look you’ll see her spinning in one direction. Now focus on her shadow, and try to imagine her spinning in the opposite direction. Alternatively, tilt your head down and look at her out of the top of your eyes, and try to imagine her spinning in the opposite direction. Sooner or later she’ll switch for you.
Marriage – Before and After!
Posted by: | CommentsA friend sent me this in an email. I thought it was funny enough to share with you…
The UK in is DEEP Trouble!
Posted by: | CommentsThe UK is in DEEP trouble…
The population of this country is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired.
That leaves 28 million to do the work..
There are 17 million in school or at Universities.
Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.
Leaving 3 million to do the work.
1.2 million are in the armed forces fighting in Afghanistan ..
Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.
Leaving 512,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your backside,
At your computer, reading jokes!!!
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
Survival Of The Fittest!
Posted by: | Comments
Two guys are in the jungle when they see a lion running towards them. Frantically, one of the men starts putting on his running shoes.
Surprised, the other man says “What are you thinking, you can’t outrun a lion!!!”
“I don’t have to outrun the lion,” said the man, “I just have to outrun you!”
Is It Right To Donate To Charity!?
Posted by: | CommentsA friend sent me this email this morning – it made me smile – hope it makes you smile too!?
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to F*** off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!
(Apologies to the cartoonist – I don’t know who you are!)
Were These Lawyers For Real?
Posted by: | CommentsThese are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
What Every Office Needs!
Posted by: | CommentsA friend sent me this email which raised a smile…
Just checking to see you’re there!?
Posted by: | Comments
Just thought I’d look in on you to see if you were at your computer,…….yep, you are. And you look gorgeous as always!!!???
Funny Stuff – Police Officer comments to drivers!
Posted by: cartooninggenius | Comments (0)Thought I’d share these actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we gave pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
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